Analyzing Myself

A few weeks ago I wrote that I was going to use the book 5:  Where will you be five years from today? to guide some posts.  After a hideous first week back to work, I feel like this needs to become even more of a priority for me.  I want to explore where it is I hope to be 5 years from now and what I need to do to get there.

What are the 3 things I like the most and least about myself?

• I dislike the fact that I cannot hide my opinions and feelings.  My face might as well be a computer screen with every thought I have typed across the screen.  If you are upsetting me, you can tell.  If I am tired, irritated, angry, or embarrassed, you can tell.  It would be nice to be able to keep my thoughts to myself once in a while
• I dislike my lazy streak.  So many times, I prefer to sit around, watch TV, and just be lazy.  I wish I was more of a go-getter.
• I dislike the way I look.  I’ve been unhappy with my weight for, well, most of my life.  This is something I’ve spent a lot of time over the last year working on, and it’s something that is getting better, but I still have days where I feel like I haven’t lost a thing.  I feel like everyone who meets me or sees me still sees me 65lbs ago.  I’m not really sure how to overcome this feeling.  Maybe it’s something that will gradually disappear, or maybe it will be a part of me for the rest of my life.  When I’m having those days, I try to think positive and recognize that I’m currently weighing in around where I did my freshman year of high school.  I’m smaller than I was 10 years ago.  I’m hoping to continue that trend, but I still dislike the way I look.
• I like that I care about my job.  This week was rough because of a professional development meeting where we were told (I’m paraphrasing here) that our students are not progressing as they should be and we need to work harder to make sure they are learning.  This had me and many of my coworkers truly frustrated.  I work hard, always.  I care about my job.  Not about what my boss thinks or how well-liked I am, but I care about the kids.  I don’t teach because it makes me rich (trust me, it doesn’t) it’s because I truly care about my students and I want to help them to succeed.  This means that I’m often exhausted and sometimes feel defeated, but at least when I go to bed at night I don’t have to worry that I’m letting my students down or that I’m hurting their future.
• I like that I am an independent person.  My parents tease me that I was born independent and stubborn; I like to do things my way.  I was born 6 weeks early, and apparently since then I’ve been the master of my own life…well, at least the way my parents tell the story.  I do like that my happiness is not dependent upon other people, I am the key to my own happiness.  I like that I trust myself, even when I don’t trust others.  If I’m unsure about something, I wait to make a decision.  I trust my gut feelings.  Don’t get me wrong, I have many people in my life who are important to me and whose advice I trust, but in the end, I have to be the one to be happy.  At the same time, I do not wait for other people to clean up my messes; if something isn’t right in my life, I fix it myself.
• I like that I am intelligent.  I don’t know how to say that without sounding conceited, but I feel like I am an intelligent person.  It’s not just schooling though, I learn from my mistakes in life and do my best not to repeat them.  I learn how to do things for myself, even if I need some guidance at first.  I wish I trusted my intelligence a little more often and didn’t let people make me question myself, but in the end, I recognize that I am a smart person and I can handle myself.

A Year Later

A year ago, I challenged myself.  I was unhappy with my life and wanted to make a change, so my resolution was to live my life for myself.  As an oldest child, there are many moments in my life where I can recognize that I made decisions based on what was best for other people instead of myself.  I have done things over and over to please others while not being happy with what I was doing myself.  2011 was the year I decided to do things for myself.  The first major change I made was I joined a gym.

After seeing pictures of myself with Kara and Erica, I was really disgusted.  I was really unhappy with my weight and general health, and after joining a gym for about 8 weeks, I also joined weight watchers.  It was one of the best decisions that I have ever made.  A year later, I’ve lost 65 lbs.  I still have more work to do, of course, but I’m pretty proud of the changes that I’ve made.

Another change I made was work.  I felt stuck at LMC.  I had been working there for 5 years and I worked hard.  I developed curriculum, ran clubs, organized classes, and supported anything and everything I could.  I was burnt out and felt under-appreciated.  I also really wanted out of Michigan.  When I was offered a job in Arizona, I accepted it sight-unseen.  I don’t know that this is something I would do again, and I probably wouldn’t recommend it, but it began a new adventure for me.  I loved driving cross country with Sara.  I love being able to drive 2 miles down the road to see Joli and her family, but I really hate being so far away from all my family.  It was really difficult to return to Arizona after going home for break.

So what does 2012 bring for me?  Who knows.  I’m going to continue working to do what makes me happy.  I’m going to continue the weight loss, I’m going to continue grad school, I’m going to explore my new state, and I’m going do things that make me happy.

Determining the Journey

“You have brains in your head and feet in your shoes

You can steer yourself any direction you choose.

You’re on your own and you know what you know

And you are the one who’ll decide where to go.”

Dr. Seuss

About a year ago, my aunt bought me a book called Five:  Where will you be five years from today?  I was at the point in my life where I knew I needed a big change, I just wasn’t sure how to accomplish it.  She found this book really helpful to focus her on things that were important to her and hoped that it would be for me to.  The fact of the matter is that I immediately flipped through it, felt incredibly overwhelmed, and put it away.  The future is a scary thing to me.  It always has been, which really is pretty ironic since I’m the kid who knew what I wanted to do with my life by about fourth grade.  At the same time, I knew what I wanted to do with my life by the fourth grade.  Seriously, what the hell?  Who does that.  How on earth could I possibly know what would make me happy at 30, and 40, and 50 when I was 9 years old?  Anyway, I’ve decided to use this book to guide me through some blog posts.  I really haven’t been writing a lot lately, and so I’ve decided it’s time to get back into it, and since my journal has gone missing since the move (!!!), it’s going in the blog.

I decided to begin this series with the Dr. Seuss quote.  I really have a difficult time deciding what to do with my own life.  I often times let other people make big decisions for me.  I realize this sounds a little bit off since I just up and moved cross country with 2 weeks notice, but after complaining about a job that didn’t appreciate me and that left me in debt, it took a $2000 pay cut on top of not getting a raise (something which would have forced me to move back home with my parents at 27) to kick my butt into gear and force me to make a change.  Realistically, had they not cut my pay so drastically, I would still be working at LMC and finishing up my master’s degree at GVSU.  I wait to make decisions.  I leave people hanging instead of deciding.  I have no idea why this is.  Some people know exactly what they want at any given minute.  I have no clue.  Seriously.  I’m hoping that these next few weeks of blogs can give me some guidance or at least trust me to know what’s best for me.

At this point, the most difficult reality to face is the face that I do, in fact, have options.  It’s funny, but since I’ve moved out to Arizona, everyone is telling me where to move next.  My mom has already decided that I will be moving home at the end of the school year.  She has already started making plans on how we will fit my houseful of stuff into her home.  I love my mom, but I really have a difficult time envisioning this scenario.  I do plan to head back to Michigan right after our graduation activities here so that I can continue my work on my master’s degree.  I just don’t think I’ll end up staying there, or if I do, it won’t be in my parents’ home.  My aunt and uncle who live in Colorado have decided I need to come live in the suburbs of Denver with them.  Although the one visit I made there was absolutely beautiful, I really don’t know that I could make it home.  Kara wants me to move to Texas.  I love Texas.  I have yet to leave the state and not want to immediately return, but I cannot just move there without a job.  I also love Kara and Brandon a ton, but I have concerns about moving in with them and the stress that would put on ALL of our relationships.  It’s one thing for a person to hang out for a couple weeks, it’s another to live with people for months.  Then of course there is Joli and my new Arizona friends.  They are all hoping/planning on me staying, well at least I like to think so.  I can’t commit to anything (because I hate making big decisions).  I don’t know what is going to make me happy, or even if anything will make me happy, but I am grateful to have these options and these people in my life who want me to live closer to them.

So this is my journey.  I want to figure out what is important to me and where it is I want to be in five years so I know what I’m working toward.

Thankful

I’ve been struggling with the idea of not being home for Thanksgiving and a large part of the holiday season.  It’s the first time I’ve lived more than an hour away from all the crazy that is my family.  I’ve tried to just ignore the nagging feeling that my life is changing/has changed drastically, but little things kept forcing me to confront the change.  My students had to write an essay about a ritual in their lives, and many of them chose to write about Thanksgiving or Christmas.  They have also been very concerned how I will be spending my holidays.  Several went so far as to invite me to celebrate with their families.  Luckily, I have Joli here in town, so I wasn’t put in the awkward situation of politely declining their invite without an excuse.  I like to keep boundaries up, and celebrating Thanksgiving with students is probably not the way to do that. 

I had no idea when I was anticipating the holiday that Thanksgiving would turn out to be so amazing.  I invited my cousin Nick to come and join myself in crashing Joli’s family Thanksgiving.  I was truly surprised when he accepted.  It’s a 7ish hour drive from his town in California to mine in Arizona.  I was so happy to see anyone from home, but Nick and I have always been pretty close so it was amazing to have him around for a couple days.  Nick came into town on Wednesday night, meaning he met some members of the MHS staff thanks to the fact we were still enjoying the beginning of the long weekend when he showed up.  Since it was about 1am, we just went back to my house to sleep.  On Thanksgiving, we started the day pretty lazy.  Joli’s husband had to work until late that evening, so we had decided to celebrate on Friday.  Nick and I went over to Joli’s that evening, she made us dinner, and we hung out for a few hours before splitting up for some black Friday shopping. 

I have never gone black Friday shopping overnight before, and I probably never will again.  It was insane.  Nick and I shopped in Kohls for about 30 minutes before getting in line, only to stand in line for 90 minutes.  After Kohls, we ventured to the mall, where there were much fewer people and shorter lines.  Finally we went to Target around 4am and it was empty of people and of any decent sales.  We made our way home with everything important crossed off our lists and a need for food and sleep.  On Friday we woke up at around 1 in the afternoon, got ready, and went to Joli’s.  Joli had everything under control, so we helped her drink the wine and play with the kids.  Her Thanksgiving spread was absolutely amazing.  I don’t think I’ve ever eaten that much food in my life.  I was so full, and it was wonderful.  Afterwards I read stories with her kids, until they thought it’d be funny to jump on me, and then we all just relaxed and drank a little of Nick’s delicious ice wine!

On Saturday, Nick saw a commercial for Bass Pro Shop, so the next thing I know, we’re driving out to Mesa to check it out.  Nick picked out a shot gun he wants, and I just enjoyed watching Nick turn into a kid again.  Seriously, take a guy to a giant hunting/fishing/man store.  It’s incredibly amusing.  Add to that the fact there was a car show going on and Toby Keith’s I Love This Bar and Grille was next door, it was like man heaven.  We went to Toby Keith’s that night.  The food was amazing and the company was fun.  We met Nick’s friend Kenny’s relatives for dinner and then stayed for the band.  All I have to say about that is I love drunk country boys and I would really love to date a guy who could dance the two step.  The only things that would have made the night better would be if Kristen had been feeling better and if they did more actual line dancing. 

All around, it was as perfect as a weekend can be, since they always end.  I now have 3 weeks before flying home for Christmas, and I can’t wait to see everyone!

Settling

I’ve now lived in Arizona for over a month.  Was it everything I was expecting it to be?  No.  Of course not.  Like many people, I had built this perfect picture in my head of how my move would go, and reality was a sharp slap in the face.  I had pictured showing up in Arizona, having instant friends, entering a new school and quickly becoming acclimatized, and settling into a new and wonderful home swiftly.  Instead nothing feels like it’s going right.

My new state

My home has been a constant to-do list.  Always living in apartments, I have never had to deal with all the trouble a house brings before.  When I moved in, my house was missing a few important things, like a refrigerator.  After the new appliances showed up, I was excited to move into my new home, only to find that I had no hot water.  It took 2 maintenance guys 3 visits, not to mention a formal complaint for inappropriate behavior- long story, and 3 weeks to finally get my hot water working.  I don’t have time to “settle” because I moved into my house the weekend before I started teaching, and all my energy is going to that.  So currently, I have a couch, two book shelves, a desk, and a bed.  The rest will come, but it will also take time.  I do think that by the end of the month I will have a roommate, and although I haven’t lived with anyone for 3 years, I’m actually really looking forward to have someone else around to talk to and go shopping with.

My bedroom

Work has been a constant challenge.  I don’t necessarily mean this in a bad way, but it has taken a lot of adjustments.  Life in the desert is not the same as life on the beach, even if both places have a lot of sand.  The culture here is completely different from that of my small private school.  My students are facing life issues that they should be protected from.  Although I had several students in the past who had survived true trauma and struggles, most of my students were lucky to have loving parents who were supportive and concerned about their education.  With more students comes more diverse life stories.  I’ve found this job to include weekly, and sometimes daily, heartbreak as I find out more and more about what my students have survived or are surviving.  On top of dealing with their lives, I’m trying to teach two new classes, neither of which align to anything I’ve taught before.  In essence, I’ve become a first-year teacher all over again.  It’s mentally draining and physically exhausting.  I’ve forgotten how difficult it is to create a course or just become comfortable with a new course.

With work taking over my life, I don’t feel like I really have time for a social life.  Joli and Dustin have been amazing.  Not only did they let me live on their couch for over a week, but I’ve been invited over for dinner several times and Joli has done what she can to introduce me to some of her friends.  I’ve had the chance to get to know her kids a little better too.  I used to babysit Laila occasionally before her first birthday, but after Joli and Dustin moved out west, I rarely saw them.  Now I love walking into Joli’s house to get hugs from Laila and Kenadi and hearing Kenadi excitedly announce my arrival.  Dustin Jr., more commonly known as “handsome” is such  a cutie too.  It’s been nice having them out here to lean on…a lot.  I couldn’t have done this without Joli and Dustin’s help, and I will have to work hard to come close to repaying them for all their aid and support.

"little D"

As far as other friends go, I’m lucky to be part of a pretty great department.  The people in my English department are funny, kind, and witty.  I miss Carolyn and Stephanie a lot, but I’m loving having an actual department.  The only downside to my department is that we don’t all live in the same area, and we are by far the most involved department in the school- or at least it feels that way.  Happy hours on Fridays are a good time though, and I’m hoping to continue to get to know my co-workers.  Joli has also introduced me to several of her friends.  Everyone has been really nice, but it’s overwhelming meeting so many new people at once, and I have a hard time keeping track of who is who.  I also feel a little out-of-the-loop sometimes because most of Joli’s friends are married and have kids:  two things I cannot relate to.  Add to that the fact that I’ve been so tired lately that all I want to do is sleep, and as you can imagine, my social life is DOA.

My goodbye party

I miss Michigan all the time.  I miss having lunch everyday with Laura, and running across the hall to talk/complain to Carolyn.  I miss Jeri having coffee in the office and my bosses knowing me.  Again, these were all things that took time to build, and I’m sure I will build them in my new life too, I’m just impatient and want things to be steady and comfortable as quickly as possible, but as the song goes, “you can’t always get what you want”.

STRESS!!!

My last two weeks have been nothing but stress, straight, hold the ice.  No watering this sucker down.  I received a phone call from my boss letting me know that not only would I not receive a raise for my 6th year of teaching, but I would be taking a $2000+ pay cut.  This may not seem like much to some, but working at a private school, this seemingly small amount is no joke.  After some quick math (impressive for an English teacher-no?) I realized that I would not be able to afford rent next year…like, at all.  Yep, if I stay at my current job I’ll be doing the same amount of work (more actually since they let our resource teacher go) for less pay while living with my parents!!!  Um, no thanks.  Although I have decided what my next step is, I know what I don’t want.

On top of this, I began a new class the day following the news.  For my ESL methodologies course, I not only have a 14 week course smashed into 6 weeks, but I also have to fit in 25 hours of volunteering in an elementary (weird state rule) classroom with ESL (English and a Second Language) or ELL (English Language Learners) students.  I’m working in a Grand Rapids Public School at their summer school program.  Ironically, this thing I was dreading is much more useful than my actual class.  My professor is nice enough, but he is really disorganized.  This class, on top of my online course, is taking over my life.

In the last two weeks I’ve been feeling very burnt-out.  I’m always tired, always stressed, and there is always something else I have to do.  On top of school work, I’m job hunting, and trying to still have time to have a real life.  I need a vacation from my summer, FAST.

10 things you may not know about me

I have been wanting to blog, but I seem to be incapable of completing a post recently.  I think I’m too tired to rant and rave for the entire length of a frustrated post, and honestly, nothing interesting is going on in my life, so instead I decided to share.  Here are 15 things that people may not know about me:

1. I was a tomboy as a child.  Yes, I know that my lipgloss collection is probably larger than Kim Kardashian’s, but it’s true.
2. I love driving, even if it is just the grandma mobile.
3. I helped my parents to build the addition to their house.  I can proficiently snap a chalk line, hammer a nail, and help lay drywall.
4. I think one of the best parts of my job is reading adolescent literature.  I love The Hunger Games series, 13 Reasons Why, Before I Fall, and anything by Meg Cabot.  And that’s just recently.
5. My favorite TV show is NCIS.  I have seen every episode and will still watch the marathons that seems to be on USA network almost daily.
6. I think that the best form of stress therapy is singing at the top of my lungs along with my radio or iPod in my car.  My second favorite is going on a walk along the bluff/beach.
7. I’m really indecisive.  I think about even small choices for a long time.  Forget big choices.  I have a terrible time making up my mind, and I also do not like to commit to anything.
8. Although I love living so close to the beach and it’s nice (most of the time) being close to family, I want to move out of Michigan- sooner rather than later.
9. I love traveling, even though I haven’t been able to do much of it.  I love seeing different cultures, and different places, and finding new places to hang out at.  I wish that I had more money so I could travel more.  I have a list of all these places that I want to visit when I get the chance.  My top 3 are Greece, France, and Australia.  I also want to visit St. Petersburg and Poland with my dad (something he and my grandma have both talked about wanting to do, but neither have taken any steps toward actually doing).
10. I want to write a novel.  It’s something that I’ve wanted to do since high school, but I never know what to write about.  I don’t feel like I have enough life experience to write anything yet.  I’ve started several pieces, but I’ve never made it past 4 pages.  I have faith though that someday I will finally clarify my storyline enough to actually write the novel.

Okay, in honor of full disclosure, I started this hoping to give 15 tidbits of info, but I had a hard time coming up with 10, so this is it for now 😉

Why I Hate the End

Everyone looks forward to the end of another school year; seniors are going on to bigger and hopefully better things, underclassmen are moving up in the world, we are about to enjoy summer and everything that means, all should be good.  But for teachers there is something entirely different going on.  We struggle to do what we can to keep our students’ attention until the end; we work extra hours and attend ceremonies on top of our usual work day, leading us to several 10+ hour days in a week (not to mention keeping us away from families if we have them), and instead of feeling proud of the accomplishments that we have achieved over the year we focus on all the things that didn’t happen or that we didn’t get around to.  I hate the end of school years.

It’s at this point every year that I am ready to walk.  Students get rude, administrators are too forgiving of bad behavior, and we teachers feel the stress of it all.  Last week, there were multiple days where I would have been happy to leave my classroom and never return.  I know that this sounds harsh, and I’m sure that people think, “jeez you’re a teacher, deal with it, you get the summer off”, oh my how they are wrong.  In fact, teachers don’t get the summer “off”.  Instead, we just don’t have students during the summer.  I am still required to “report” (although my building is generous in this) until June 18th.  I also come back a week before my students for meetings, and two weeks before to prepare my room.  Other than that time, I will be spending my summer working on my Master’s degree so that I can continue to have a teaching certification.  Although in many other areas professionals are paid to go to grad school with stipends, fellowships, and grants, in teaching, you’re expected to cover your own way.  Some districts are generous and help their teachers out, but not mine.  The most I get from my district is some general compassion toward my bad attitude on the mornings where I don’t get as much sleep because my grad school is 80 miles away and my class ends at 9pm.

I have two weeks left at school with students.  I have 6 days of teaching and 3 days of exams (one day without any students).  My seniors are completely done.  I have to attend class night on Wednesday, pass out Key Club medals, present cords and a scholarship from Michigan Blood, and organize the reception with the sophomore class.  Friday night is graduation.  I have to dress up, wear my robe and hood (yep, seriously), and sit on the stage being stared at for 45 minutes of torture.  It could be much worse, but at the end of the year it’s painful.  All I want to do is sleep (especially with this weather) but instead it’s the final push of the year, so I have to keep going.

I know I’m just whining.  It wouldn’t matter where I was teaching, I believe I would still be drained.  I think that it’s actually probably a good sign.  I give teaching everything I have, so by the end of the year I’m just empty.  I just needed to get some thought out and complain a little.  Thanks for reading.

12 Lessons

I have been a member of weight watchers for 12 weeks now, during which time I have lost a little over 24lbs (making my total weight loss almost 35lbs).  I have learned a lot these last 12 weeks, and I’ve decided to share my wisdom…

1. 100 calorie packs of anything are really not all that great for you (especially if you end up eating multiples, because after all, they are only 100 calories).
2. The hardest part of working out is actually making it to the gym- once I’m there, I’m good.
3. I can cook simple meals, I just really don’t like to.
4. No one ever tells you how expensive it is to lose weight:  between the gym membership ($35/month), weight watchers membership ($18/month), healthy foods, and new clothes, I have spent a TON of money in the last 3 months.
5. You can only eat salads so many days a week before you want to scream.
6. My kitchen is nowhere near big enough.  I never have enough room to cook.
7. Weight Watchers products actually taste really good, even though you wouldn’t think that they do.
8. It is nice to hear how good you look when losing weight, but it also makes you wonder just exactly how bad you looked before, especially when compliments are worded something like “oh you look so much better”…Beware of the backwards compliments.
9. When you work out regularly, you actually do start to notice a difference.  I’ve actually been pretty impressed with how much longer I can work out from the beginning of the year until now.
10. Don’t fall into routines.  Food routines get boring quickly, and work out routines may let you not work as hard as you should.  It’s always good to try new things and push yourself.
11. People at the gym really don’t give a crap about how you look, or how hard you are working.  The only time they are paying attention to you is if you are on a machine they want to use or in their way.  There is no real reason to be self-conscious.  Everyone is at the gym for the same reason, and everyone is disgusting when they leave (if they are truly pushing themselves).

• Side note:  The next gym I join will have locker rooms.  Anytime Fitness has two unisex restrooms complete with showers.  Let’s just say, if I ever get married or live with a man, we will have separate bathrooms.  EWWW!

12.   Weight loss is a long and frustrating process.  What works one week may not work the next.

I’m really happy with how far I have come thus far.  I’ve never lost this much weight all at one time before, but I also have a lot more to go.  I’m looking forward to this summer and continuing to reach my goals.

Compliments are Good

I would like to take a minute to thank the student at my school who told me today that I looked like I had lost a lot of weight.

I was at the grocery store after jogging (???) on the elliptical, lifting weights, and using the recumbent bicycle- so pretty much I was a mess.  I used to care about how I looked at the grocery store, but when gas prices went over $4.00 I decided that no one really cared what I was wearing in the grocery store- even sweaty gym clothes- and I now enjoy only taking one trip and conserving my precious gas.  Of course, this means that I always run into someone I know, usually a student, parent, or co-worker.  It was nice to receive a compliment when I was looking like a mess, instead of having to have a polite discussion while attempting to hide my sweat marks.

Sadly, this compliment is more than I received from my family at Easter.  I was really excited to show off my new look (and size) to my mom’s family on Easter.  I hadn’t seen any of them since the first of the year, so I was hoping for a few compliments to make my day a little better.  Instead, I got nothing.  My aunt and I discussed Weight Watchers a little (she has been on it for a while and knew what I was up to and had supported me online) and I told a few people that I had been on the program, but no one said anything about my progress.  I was disappointed.  I know that if I had gained even a third of what I had lost they would talk about it behind my back, so why the hard time complimenting my work?  I guess I can’t let it get to me, but really- the rule to never comment on a person’s weight should really only apply to a gain in weight.  Please, by all means, congratulate me on my progress.

I’ve been doing pretty well with weight watchers.  I have lost 23 lbs with WW, which makes a total of 32lbs since the first of the year.  Lately, I’ve been lazy with my workouts, so my goal for the month of May is to work out at least 5 times a week.  I realize that this may be difficult (especially since my grad classes start up again next week, not to mention all the extra school stuff that comes with graduation- class night, prom, etc.) but I feel like it’s a good goal.  Now to decide what my prize will be if/when I succeed.