A few months ago I read the book Suzanne’s Diary for Nicholas by James Patterson. It was a book I had picked up at a book sale for my classroom, so I needed to read it before making it available to my students. Although the book was not by any means life-changing, there is one part of the book that has stuck with me. There is a story that is referenced several times about the 5 balls: they are work, family, health, friends, and integrity. People work hard to keep all these balls up in the air, but eventually they realize that work is a rubber ball while all the rest are glass. The idea is that if you drop family, health, friends, or integrity they may be damaged or even shatter, but work will survive. You just have to learn to balance. I have failed at this.
A year ago, I was living in Arizona, had survived the first quarter of the school year, and had already decided to move back to Michigan at the end of the school year. It was the most difficult teaching of my life. I was no longer teaching engaged and motivated teens; I was attempting to teach students who sometimes suffered from the effects of poverty, lack of parental involvement, and a myriad of other things. Weekly I was finding out something horrible that was going on in the life of one or another of my students. It was emotionally draining. Between that and having exactly one friend when I moved to Arizona, I was pretty sure that this wasn’t for me. Throw in the new knowledge about scorpions, poisonous spiders (some of which resided in my classroom), and other horrible desert things and I was ready to be done before I really gave it a chance. Much like I didn’t really consider what changes would be made to my life by moving across the country, I didn’t really think about what it meant to move home until after I had committed to it.
Here I am now, I have moved home, literally into my parents’ house. What I didn’t learn in time was the lesson of the 5 balls. Now I have work under control. I love my job almost always (we all have our days right?). I am challenged but I also finally feel respected. I may have taken on a little more than I should have (4 preps, leading the hs plc meetings, and grad school), but I am back in a place where I am comfortable and my co-workers have helped me to transition back to my old job. It’s just everything else that is suffering.
Since I have moved home, my relationship with my parents has gone from pretty strong to horrible. I think they are struggling to understand how to deal with having me back in their house as an adult, and I am struggling to find a place for myself in the house. Instead, I do not feel valued or even like a true member of the family. I am told that I am “ungrateful” and that I walk around like I run the place, which is interesting since I rarely leave my bedroom or the makeshift den that Joe and I created in the basement with my furniture from Arizona. I feel like I am constantly criticized and can’t find the balance that my parents expect between me acting like their child and just a roommate. I know that many of my former classmates have moved home at some point or are currently living at home, but for me it has been nothing but painful and stressful. Ironically, I was also closer with my extended family when I lived across the country from them; we actually emailed occasionally. Now that I live a couple of miles away at most, I never talk to them or see them.
Moving home to Michigan meant leaving behind all my new friends. I had good intentions of staying in contact with all the people who I met while in Arizona, but I’ve done a pretty horrible job of it. At the same time, one of the reasons I left Michigan was for social reasons. There is no social life in my small town. Sure, there are a few bars, but the people there tend to be about 10 to 15 years older than me and divorced. Either that, or they are already coupled. Nevermind the fact that I have no one to go with me, but that is not really a scene that sounds like fun. I have friends back in Michigan, but they are all married, with the exception of the new math teacher, and several of them have kids. I have no problem being friends with married people, but it does tend to mean that they have prior commitments on the weekends. Between that and the fact that most of my work friends are at least 10 years older than me, I don’t find we have a lot of common activities outside of work. If I wanted to go to a movie tonight, I do not have one person I feel like I could count on to go with me. I’m not trying to throw a pity party or anything, I’m just trying to explain.
The stress of moving home, living in my parents’ house again, and having no social life has also hurt my health. I’ve gained around 10 lbs since I’ve moved home. I’m stress eating like crazy. Every time one of my parents says or does something hurtful to me, I end of eating junk food. Every time a friend blows me off or I end up sitting at home doing nothing all weekend, I eat more junk food. It’s not healthy; trust me, I get that, but it’s true. I need to regain control of this, but for right now it kind of feels like the only comfort I have. Pathetic, right.
So, when you ask me if I’m going to stay in Michigan, don’t be hurt when I say no. A job is not enough to create a life around. I am going to finish this masters as quickly as possible and get the hell out. This is not where I am meant to be.
Finding Direction 